Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Due to Irresponsible Behavior

... I have been getting an average of about 5 hours of sleep a night.  Because of this, when I get home around 6pm, I invariably want to take a nap.  Last night I fought the urge, but ended up falling asleep around 9:30pm and waking up around midnight - it was by far one of the most unsettling feelings I've had in a while.  

This unsettling sensation was not due just to the awkward sleep cycle.  I had one of the most terrifying dreams of my life.  It's a day later, so I don't remember all the details as vividly as when I, not so much as woke up, but merely opened my eyes and realized I was in my room.  

The dream started out with me on some type of boat, which is always a bad sign, because for some reason ( I had no childhood traumatic experience with water or drowning ) I have a subconscious fear of being forced under water.  

No, actually, now that I am really thinking about it, I did.  I spent six summers at the JCC Summer Camp, and at least one day a week we went to this swimming pool on top of a neighboring building.  I couldn't have been older than seven, and this older boy (I don't think he was a counselor, just some random kid) kept pushing my head under the water and holding it there everytime I tried to swim to the side of the pool. I couldn't touch the bottom anywhere, so I was panicking and still he kept pushing me down wherever I went.  In the end one of the counselors came over and stopped him, but I can still feel the panic that engulfed me in those moments.  

Anyway, back to the dream.  I was in a boat, or maybe just in the sea, and there was this one massive tsunami wave.  I mean, so incredibly large that just the sight of it it absolutely terrifying.  I felt the undertow pull me up to the crest of the giant, and then i was flung off into this great hole that had been created by the pull of the wave, and then the wave crashed on top of me and crushed me.  

I didn't die, though.  The dream transitioned into a sort of college/camp type atmosphere, except there were parents there.  My mom had died in the sea, and I was going to her funeral.  At the end of the funeral, I left.  But then Kate found me and told me that I had accidentally left too early and my Dad had read a poem at the end.  I was immersed in guilt.  

The grief that consumed me during that dream was so realistic and haunting that when I woke up I had to call my mom (at midnight on a Tuesday night) to make sure that she was still alive.  

One of the most terrifying dreams I've ever had.  Hands down.  

So, basically.  I want to go home. 

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